ST PETER'S MAMMA
"That's right, everybody comes to me begging ... Well, take this, and don't ask for any more!" And she she gave her one leaf of a leek.
When the Lord called her into the next life, he sent her to Hell. The head of Heaven was St Peter, and as he sat on the doorstep, he heard a voice. "Peter! Just look at how I am roasting! Son, go to the Lord, talk to him, get me out of this misery!"
St Peter went to the Lord. "Lord," he said, "my mother is in Hell and begging to be let out."
"What! Your mother never did a good turn in her whole life! All she has to her credit is one little leek. Try this. Give her the leek leaf to catch hold to, and pull her up to Paradise by it."
An angel swooped down with the leek leaf. "Grab hold!" ordered the angel, and St Peter's mamma caught hold of the leaf. She was about to be pulled up out of Hell, when all the poor souls there with her and seeing her rise, latched on to her skirts. So the angel drew up not only her but all the others as well. Then that selfish woman screamed, "No! Not you all! Get off! Just me! You ought to have had a saint for a son, as I did!" She kicked and shook them from her, jerking about so much to get free, that the leek leaf broke in two and St Peter's mamma went plummeting to the bottom of Hell.