Wednesday

HOW TO ATTEND CHURCH


A mate had a poster of this as a teenager. I still think it's what Jesus would do in most churches.

HOW TO ATTEND CHURCH

Enter into the Church Assembly Line:
- church bulletin shoved in hands
- hymnbook shoved in hands
- ushered to "pew" to await brainwashing

Begin brainwashing by singing Jesus Jingles over and over and over and over and over again ad nauseum while participating in the Jesus Jingle Leader's "Simon Says" ("Put your hands in the air!" "Close your eyes!" "Think about Jesus!" etc)

Praise Jesus by mentioning "praise" as many times as possible - as if you were going for the Guinness Book Of Records title for the most times anyone has said "praise".

Repeat last two items ad nauseum to sermoan.

Torture Break 1 - collection of tithes, offerings, love gifts, building fund donation, money, money, money, etc. Pray to Jesus.

Sermoan - three doubtful points with associated proof texts dumbed down to the lowest possible level.

Repeat Jesus Jingles ad nauseum after sermoan.

Torture Break 2 - Pray to Jesus.

"Meal" of a thimble of grape juice and a dry bit of cracker to remember Jesus.

Repeat Jesus Jingles ad nauseum after "meal".

Hear Exit Speech from Pastor "That's all folks!"

Exit the Church Assembly Line:
- church bulletin shoved in pocket
- hymnbook removed from hands
- line up to shake Pastor's hand ( Ancient ritual to congratulate him on boring you to death with his Sermoan. Sexism intended.)

Stumble with an empty feeling to "Fellowship" - instant coffee / tea and a biscuit where one is ignored by the majority of people.

Suddenly realise that you have just attended a church service where God wasn't mentioned once - but Jesus was mentioned every second sentence.

Start to ask self "Why did I bother to come along?"

Repeat ad nauseum next Sunday.

Repeat ad nauseum every Sunday.

Repeat ad nauseum till:

EITHER

1. Death when church torture mercifully ceases.

OR

2. You wake up to the fact that it is so intensely boring that you will die of boredom if you attend another church service and you decide to stay home instead.

Don't blame me for the above. I've only visited your churches.

Veni. Vidi. Reliqui.

(Latin translation: I came. I saw. I left.)